Do people change?
Many of us, including myself, have been in relationships with difficult people who we tried hard to change. I found this advice column by Carolyn Hax to be useful on this subject:
Dear Carolyn: Help me settle this debate: My friend says that people hardly ever change and we have to just accept or detach from them.
I think people can change.
What do you think?
— B.
B.: I think people can change and we still have to just accept or detach from them.
Because sometimes they don’t change.
Plus, whether they do or not isn’t up to us anyway. They will or won’t under the influence of time, circumstance, environment, genetics, choice, and whatever else.
Except in limited cases — recovery, for example — hovering around waiting for people to improve is kind of patronizing and icky, too. Disrespectful.
Like me or not, I don’t care, but don’t treat me as a project.
Having someone hovering around waiting for me to improve myself to their liking sounds like a hard no-thanks.
So I don’t know in whose favor I’m settling this debate, but you both win if you don’t spend your time with people hoping they’ll become someone else. Even though they might. Whether anyone likes it or not.
[this is me now:]
So, other than children, I think we should accept that people will be the way they are and act accordingly, and not treat them as a “project”. We can tell them what we will do if they don’t change their behavior, but it is still up to them.
What do you think?