What is your hidden programming?
23 December 2022
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Is your personality partially controlled by behaviors you had as an infant to try to please your parents?
I suspect this is true for many of us and it will continue until we go through the somewhat painful process of confronting this issue, through therapy or otherwise.
I was introduced to this issue by a therapist and by reading The Drama of the Gifted Children by Dr. Alice Miller, a psychologist and psychoanalyst. But my understanding is limited - I have training and experience as a pathologist and scientist, not as a psychologist.
Infants are completely dependent on their parents for survival. As a result, they have evolved mechanisms to please their parents, including changing their innate behavior.
Children have an extraordinary talent to grasp parental needs in an ingeniously nonverbal way. They understand perfectly what is expected of them and behave accordingly.” Preface, The True “Drama of the Gifted Child
This altered behavior may persist throughout our lives, even after we are independent of our parents or after they are deceased. Some psychologists call this attribute “repressed memories” because its origin is not remembered. However, I think a better phrase is “hidden programming” because it controls our lives yet we are not aware of it.
The important point is that our behavior is controlled by subconscious thoughts that may no longer make any sense, but we cannot change until we consciously acknowledge how this behavior arose, which is a difficult and painful process.
For me, I have no doubt that my hidden programming was “don’t talk”. My dad worked a lot, so this mainly involved my mom, who talked constantly to fill any gaps in conversation. Years later, I discovered that she became anxious when there were gaps in conversations and so she talked to reduce her anxiety. She was and is a wonderful person who, I am sure, never told me not to talk, but that was the message I heard in my mind. As an infant or toddler, I probably was waiting for her to stop talking before I would start, but that almost never happened, and I would never think to interrupt her. She did have me evaluated for a learning disorder, but I did fine in school.
This pattern persisted for 60 years. In family settings, I rarely talked - even my kids noticed it. In other settings, I talked too much. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, in non-family settings, I was apparently so relieved to be able to talk that it was hard to stop!
This issue came up with a therapist. At first, I denied it. I had a great childhood. The therapist referred me to Dr. Miller’s book, and although it has heavy psychoanalytic overtones that I cannot fully understand, I recognized the origin of the “not talking”. Once I started to discuss it, I understood that the “not talking” made no sense to continue now. I could talk as much as I wanted in a family setting or in any setting. Knowing that I could talk, I did not feel the need if I really had nothing to say. So, for the past 2 years, I have been adjusting my personality and learning to talk slower and to talk less, which is preferable for me.
The process was somewhat painful. I had to give up my illusion of the “perfect childhood”. I am not angry with my parents - I doubt they were aware of what was going on with me. Overall, they did a great job but none of us are taught how to be parents. Apparently, we have to allow our children to develop their own personalities, but this requires a lot of self-awareness so that our own needs and desires don’t get in the way.
I now feel much more confident about myself, probably because I feel I am living my own life. I decide what I want to do. I make mistakes, but they are my mistakes and I can correct them. Before, I was living someone else’s life, a little bit like “The Matrix”.
We all know many people who cannot stop talking. If we ask them a question, they respond nonstop and rapidly for 10 minutes. Did they have a similar upbringing in which they felt they were not supposed to talk and are now overreacting to that? Others are constantly angry, depressed or obsessive. Was this due to their own hidden programming?
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