Are you happy and confident with your life?
28 June 2023
Are you happy and confident with your life? Many of us are angry at the world and seemingly uncomfortable with who we are. One reason may be that we are not living our true personalities, but the personalities we thought were necessary to please our parents when we were infants and toddlers.
In her bestselling book, The Drama of the Gifted Child (1981), Dr. Alice Miller described how children have “an amazing ability to perceive and respond intuitively, that is, unconsciously, to this need of the mother or of both parents”. As noted in my prior post, infants are completely dependent on their parents for survival. As a result, infants have evolved to change their behavior to try to please their parents:
Children have an extraordinary talent to grasp parental needs in an ingeniously nonverbal way. They understand perfectly what is expected of them and behave accordingly.” Preface, The True “Drama of the Gifted Child
My understanding (as a pathologist, not a psychologist) is that this altered personality or “false self” continues throughout our lives, even when are no longer dependent on our parents. Of course, we don’t remember that we changed our personalities as infants. Some psychologists call this attribute “repressed memories” but I think a better term is “hidden programming” because it controls our lives yet we are not aware of it. We may sense that we are not living our own lives although we do not understand it. This causes anger and frustration and makes us less confident about ourselves.
Children need unconditional love from their parents. They should be loved no matter what they do. But this is very difficult for parents to do because:
We as parents are not taught that we should love our children unconditionally.
Loving our children unconditionally is very difficult. We have problems and pressures and want our children to behave a certain way to help us.
We may not be aware that what we are saying is adversely affecting our children. When we tell our children to suppress their feelings to deal with a particular situation, we do not realize how harmful this is. Children and adults need to learn how to deal with anger, frustration, jealousy and other emotions, but this cannot happen until they are openly expressed.
We may not be aware how our behavior also adversely affects our children, such as not being available for them or not allowing them to talk.
If we are not happy and confident, I suggest we consider reflecting on our early childhood and the nature of our hidden programming. Most likely this involves working with a therapist. It may be difficult to confront the painful situations of the past, that we did not have perfect parents and that they may not have loved us as we were but only as they wanted us to be. However, after confronting and talking about our past traumas, we are often able to grow and adapt, making us happier and more confident.
Note: this essay is based on my experiences and interpretation of Dr. Miller’s book. It is not an attempt to provide individual treatment or therapy.
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